My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
