Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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