WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
