meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
