dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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