I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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