so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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