if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
