hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We need a shit load of segways right now
Holy sore nipples Batman
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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