Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
