I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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