Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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