She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i drank out of a bidet.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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