when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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