I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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