ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
