I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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