the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
