The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
