I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
