the new term for farting is butt boxing.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
No subtext here. People are naked.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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