I didn't shave. On purpose
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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