New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
