What did we do last night that was yellow?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize