you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
