you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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