he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
