There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
