Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
