Soap is not a condiment
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
