I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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