Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
