He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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