my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
He uses pillows to masturbate.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
