You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
