He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
