So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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