the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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