to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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