you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
