I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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