I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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