your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
