So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
