I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
