Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
This is the high leading the old right now
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
