Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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