you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
