im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
