His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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