My sheets look like a crime scene.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
