Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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