I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
