I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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