I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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