Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
